Child rearing doesn’t end with high school graduation
October 30, 2012 at 1:00 am in Grand Forks Herald
It used to be that when kids turned 18, they left home for a job, to get married or to go to college. Today it’s not unusual for adult children to move back in with their parents, to rely on them for financial support or to check in with them many times a day via phone or texting. Continue Reading
I don’t doubt that culture has shifted but find it is for the worse. A parent should do their best to teach their children survival tools so that they CAN leave the nest at 18 and strike out on their own. I see it much more often in rural families where duties and responsibilities start at an earlier age and having lived in both, find the rural model much better for children. Yes, my now middle aged children asked for our advice and input at various stages of their lives but they did muddle through on their own taking personal responsibility for their own successes and failures. They knew that asking for any money (including college) would be treated as a loan with interest that if not paid off, would be deducted from any estate and that portion donated to a charity (a family tradition). We did give them funds voluntarily but not often. Stories like the article are still helicopter parenting no matter how they try to rephrase it or rationalize it. The real problem comes at college (where I have taught classes) and the lack of self reliance and personal responsibility that gets worse the more the students rely on their parents.
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Count yourself among the fortunate who have not had to contend with joblessness and layoffs. If faced with the prospect of having a child on the streets through no fault of their own or in a homeless shelter, I am sure you would opt for letting the kid camp in the basement for a short time. After all, the definition of “home” is that when you go there, they have to take you in. Charity begins at home.
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If my child did need a home they would get it. As it is, one of them was laid off, muddled through and found another job. They didn’t need my help with that.
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If your child is suffering from Joblessness and layoffs i would suggest they go speak to a military recruiter.
They obviously have no skills that are needed or valued in todays society and the military is a good place to get those skills as well as a college education for next to nothing.
There are answers out there, coddling children forever is not the answer.
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Yep, I am a vet and yes, it does a lot of youth without direction a good thing but I already knew what I wanted to do both before and after my military time, but my daughter was laid off during the bank collapse (even with her accounting degree). To paint all with a brush saying they have no skills is disingenuous at best and downright dishonest at worst.
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I was not painting “all” with a wide brush, if your child has a degree in accounting i’m betting she wasnt without a job for very long at all.
Thats a job thats in demand, the only real hardship would be the transition time to a new job and unemployment benefits will generally run more than long enough to help during that period.
That is not being dishonest.
Whats dishonest is people who have graduated school, did not go to college or went to college and majored in Liberal Arts or some other worthless degree then stayed home with Mommy and Daddy because they cant get their life on track. Thats dishonest and thats the meat and potatoes of this article as its written.
I cant begin to pretend that i know you or your family or their situation my comments are strictly based on the way the article is laid out.
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Cap, some children have health issues that don’t allow them to serve or to even work at a majority of jobs. Sometimes compassion is the right answer.
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No where in the article did it discuss children with handicaps.
Lets try to at least focus on the people that are within the parameters of the article.
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I didn’t invest a fortune in my kids to kick them out near penniless when they turn 18. But I have a close connection with my sons. College comes first and then I want them to have a sizable savings account before I would ever think about asking one of them to leave home.
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Nothing wrong with caring for them while they go to college, the problem lies in the kids who come running back after college because they either cant find a job because of the pathetic courses they took or the ones that come back because it is cheaper to live at Mom and Dads place rent free and go spend the money on going out on the weekends, nice cars, etc….
At some point kids need to learn that a person starts with the bare minimum and has to work their way up to a nice comfortable lifestyle. Parents today are tryingto ensure their kids skip step one, understanding what it feels like to be starting out.
No one is advocating tossing kids into homeless shelters, but you left your parents home right? What life lessons are being denied to kids by keeping them at home beyond college?
At 18 i was completely confused and had no clue what i wanted to do.
I left home and joined the military to get some bearing on my future. it worked just fine.
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Oh my God Marv….my sons don’t act like that. None of them smoke and they are too young to drink. They are students at UND and have family values. I realize some parents raise hellions but you got the wrong idea about my family.
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C’mon Marv,
Sometimes kids stay at home during college simply because it doesnt drive up the cost of student loans.
Plus its kinda nice to have a good environment around you when you are trying to focus on studies.
Once college is over though…. Its time for the kids to move on with their own life.
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4 year college degree in Film? Here is where the problem lies, people getting degrees in areas of study that are absolutely worthless because they want to do something fun.
And “crippling student debt”? Get off your lazy rear and get a job. any job. student debt payments are not that much, they are streched out over soooo many years its pathetic.
Stories like this make me sick, the parent is the problem. The kids need to get out in the real world and accept the fact that life is not easy starting out.
I would allow my kids to stay in the house as long as they are in school, once they are out of college they are on their own. At some point you have to toss the bird out of the nest or it will never fly. This parent is crippling her children and making them dependent upon her, she is worse than a helicopter parent.
My oldest child left the house at age of 18, got a job, shared an apt for 2 years and now is looking to get her own apt and start college. Its called life people.
Nothing wrong with assistance during times of turmoil but to let it continue more than a few weeks is just handicapping the kid (who should be an adult and acting like one).
My favorite part of this article was the mom making excuses for her kids as they are “out-of-the-box creative types” who are still finding their way in college and work. Give me a break. thats hippyspeak for they dont want to do any hard work but only fun stuff and get paid for it.
“Eli earned a degree in film and is doing an internship in costume sewing at the Guthrie Theater in Minneapolis. She’s also taking a course in apparel technology”.
Really, you needed a college degree to go intern as a seamstress? No wonder you cant figure out how to repay student loans, you cant get a real job in that area of study.
Parents need to teach their kids that just because a degree is available in school, its not always worth the money to get it. Do some research, get a degree in a job that may actually have value in todays society.
There is no way i would spend tuition for 4 years to be a seamstress.
Whats next, Youngest son going to go to school to be an Astronaut?
Parents need to release the claws and quit making the next generation into a bunch of needy mommas boys.
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I was going to write a comment, but CaptAmerica already handled this one very well. This article just keeps giving and giving in the shake-your-head department. Nice post Capt…
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Capt I agree with your views on a proper education. My sons are electrical engineering students who will join the family business after they graduate.
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Cant go wrong with an Engineering degree thats for sure.
I have been dropping hints left and right to my youngest that Engineering in any form he chooses is a good move because there are jobs for them everywhere.
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DC,
Da Plane…..Da Plane…
Your children attending UND don’t smoke or drink and have family values. Even better they don’t have to worry about making rent, altering their study schedule around their work schedule, no student loans (I’m assuming) and a job waiting for them. Very impressive but more like Fantasy Land for most people I associate with. But…….I’m kind of a rebel.
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Before you go bagging on a film degree too much Captain, George Lucas (USC ’67) just sold his company for $4.05 BILLION. Not bad for a dude with a dead end degree.
In the interest of full disclosure: my #2 son is finishing his degree in drama at MSUM. He takes 20 hrs a semester so he could finish in 3 years, works 3 jobs, & has a level of dedication & drive that puts everyone else in the family to shame.
My only encouragement to him was get a MFA so he can teach while waiting to be famous. I am not too worried either way. With his über drive he will be successful regardless of what his degree is in.
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Yup not like in my day, each of my sibs and I received a set of luggage as a high school graduation present. No the message was not subtle.
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Even though I still have student loans from an aborted attempt at teacher licensure, I cringe every time I read the phrase, “Crippling student debt.”
Getting shot in a war zone is crippling. Falling off a roof is crippling. Getting mangled by machinery is crippling.
Student loans are an opportunity for a better life.
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Parents, like the one in this article are just plain selfish.
It is much more difficult to send your children off to make their own way in life.
“That often makes her feel guilty”…
yeh… we all feel that way….but you need to do what is better for the child and society, not assuage your own feelings.
Just more of the sissification of our society…like the much touted “accomplishment” of Obamacare…letting you child stay on your healthcare until they are 26 years old.
Like glen said, if this mother really wants to help….she should help them pack their bags.
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Student loans are an opportunity for a better life.
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The rules for living in my house are simple & straightforward: 1. You either work or go to school 2. There is no alcohol or drugs in my house – period. The bottle of Jack above the stove is for cooking. I know how much is there. Do not come home drunk/stoned. Sleep on the porch. Enter the house & your backside is mine. 3. Treat your mother with respect. 4. Do your share.
All of my kids know they are welcome & they all know it is MY HOUSE; not theirs. If I let them stay it is because I want to. Pure grace. The decision is 100% mine. They get no say whether they stay or go.
If you break any of the house rules I will make you homeless in a blizzard. #1 son thought he was all that & a bag of chips. He found out the mission is not all that comfortable & his roommates smelled. Haven’t had anymore problems with attitude.
If I have to take care of the grand kids because you are a failure, you will surrender all parental rights & never be allowed in the house again. If you learn of someone’s death it will be in the paper. You are not welcome at the funeral.
I am very hard but very fair. My job is to give you what you need to succeed. It is your job to put in the work.
If you fail I won’t be losing any sleep. I did my job
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Most people will label you a heartless bleep bleep just based on the statement, however one needs to ask ones self, should kids be acting in a manner you posted above? No they shouldnt and once they are 18 they are no longer a parents responsibility in a legal sense and are now at home as a guest and should act as such.
I agree 100% that kids need to understand that every day they are in your house after the age of 18 is just a generous bonus not a mandated requirement.
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My house rules were not developed after they graduated; they grew up with them.
With 4 biological & 3 step sons, & now two grandsons, my house has always had a very locker room type of mileu. Keep that fat man happy is the order of the day.
In return not only do I clothe & feed you; I single handedly keep Apple in business with the number of iPods I have bought in the last 10 years. Not to mention cell phones, computers, & game systems.
None of my progeny can even come close to describing their lives as deprived.
I just make sure they know where the bounty comes from & it comes with a price. As we have discussed under welfare, I do not believe in giving something for nothing.
Two sayings sum up Flyingnurse’s casa (remember I have all boys so these are by definition androcentric ): 1. Some day you will kick my arse. Today is not that day. 2. Your mother has to love you; I have no such weakness.
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flyingnurse, I agree with you quite often, but you’ve crossed the line…”Your mother has to love you, I have no such weakness.”
I’m glad that God doesn’t feel that love is a weakness. John wrote that God so loved the world…and that God IS love. Jesus told us to love our neighbors as ourselves…and even to love our enemies.
I don’t believe you meant what you wrote, but you should have chosen your words more carefully.
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The mother’s weakness comment is based on the fact their mother would/will always forgive & be willing to give another chance regardless. That is a mother’s love.
God’s mandate to me is that I raise them. That means being the bad guy when appropriate. I do not enable behavior I do not agree with. I will not allow one person’s behavior to bring he whole house down
My wife asked me to take # 1 son to the shelter because she could not do it. It needed done, she just couldn’t do it.
Like I said, he got the message & is back in the family.
Love is not unconditional. On the other hand if they repent & ask forgiveness, I have to give it.
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So you don’t believe in giving something for nothing…well, that’s a perscription for creating kids who will be forever unable to form proper attachments. Love is best given in abundance and without regard for payment, of whatever type. When kids know they are loved unconditionally, they are able to love others themselves. Often, children raised in this kind of environment suffer from disfunction as they age. I feel sorry for your children and grandchildren.
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You need to read your bible more carefully realist. Love is first & foremost a decision. Secondly it is a verb. It requires action. Emotions have no place in Biblical love.
God is love but it is not unconditional. His grace is mind boggling but it up to Him who He bestows it upon. I am a Calvanist rather than Armenian in orientation so I believe in predestination. I did not merit or earn God’s love & grace, but it is He who chose me. It was a conscious decision on His part. Nothing feel good about it. Much too important for that.
My kids have wanted for nothing, if you re-read my 4 rules there is absolutely nothing onerous about them. They are just standards of behavior which are enforced.
My kids know I will always love them. They also know I will not enable behavior I don’t agree with. If you choose to drink or use drugs or not work or not go to school, I will choose to not support you.
That is different than not loving them. I will drive by the park bench they are living under every day to make sure they are ok. I will even take them to lunch or get them the occasional hotel room to clean up. I just won’t let them in the house till their behavior improves
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Quite frankly, nurse, your god is hardly the model parent. If the Bible is accurate as to his actions, he’d be doing life in prison, if not strapped to a table awaiting lethal injection. We could start with the dronwing of the whole world with the exception of a drunk and his family.
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You are overly cynical Gene, but not far from the truth. All of this unconditional love nonsense is just that: nonsense. Ever wonder why we are in the shape we are in?
I remember back in nursing school (stone age – rode our dinosaurs to school – up hill in the snow both ways, etc) a silly woman getting in front of the class and with all earnestness telling us impressionable young minds that there was never, under any circumstances an excuse for spanking a child.
Even though I was 20 and childless I remember thinking “I wonder how she is going to act when her 15 year old comes home knocked up and her son is strung out before graduating from college. Definitely a member of the “I want them to explore life and make their own choices” club; without giving them the tools they need to survive the experience.
God destroyed the world except for Noah, and when Israel broke the rules he made them homeless for 40 years: long enough for everyone who broke the rules to die.
God does not practice unconditional love. He does practice mercy. Keep in mind he clothed, fed and protected Israel for those 40 years.
If given the choice between Benjamin Spoch and God, I think I’ll take God’s advice.
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And you call Gene cynical. Unreal.
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No cynicism, nurse, just the realities of the text. Your god made man imperfect, and then punished him for it. It was his premeditated plan for man’s failure…from putting a tree in the Garden when he knew A and E would eat from it, to Abraham and Isaac, to the Flood, to Job. It’s why the Gnostics viewed the Biblical god as the evil Demiurge.
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Pretty ironic. People who gave daycare and the public schools the responsibility to raise their kids, now get stuck with them as adults. What goes around comes around.
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Perfect….wish I had said that.
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Gene, that is one of the best summaries of an issue that I have read on these blogs. My anticipation is that the responses to your post will be evenly split between a call to return responsibility to parents and a call for even more government funding.
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perfect!
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flyingnurse, as I previously wrote, you should have stated your love comments more carefully. There is a difference between tough love, which should lead to the child experiencing negative consequences, and a wishy-washy, overly protective love which will not lead to repentance.
In the parable of the Prodigal Son, the wayward son “came to his senses” and went home. (He must have sensed some love from his father before he left home, or he wouldn’t have bothered to return.) As the story continues…The father saw him from afar and ran (something respectable Jewish men did not do) to greet his son. There was no, “Well, it’s about time…I wondered whether you’d ever come to your senses!” If Jesus could tell a parable like that to illustrate God’s love toward us…Well, I think you get my point.
I don’t think you’re really as hard as you let on, but if you are close to what you’ve stated, your love still falls short of the father’s love in the story.
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Point taken. Thank you. I am a Prodigal so that story is never far from my heart.
That is why I said above that I will not enable behaviors I do not agree with, but I will always forgive when the child repents. # 1 son is back in the fold: working 2 jobs & giving me grandsons.
He returned home.
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All this bible thumping is giving me a headache.
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