July 20, 1983 at 2:07 pm in INFORUM
It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, Captain Daring, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly angered, Captain Daring hit a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he realized that his beloved frankfurter case was missing! Immediately he called his so-called friend, Edwin the Talented Chimpanzee. Captain Daring had known Edwin for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Edwin was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little… dimwitted. Captain Daring called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Edwin picked up to a very sad Captain Daring. Edwin calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats cringe before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually indiscriminately shudder *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Captain Daring. Why was Edwin trying to distract Captain Daring? Because he had snuck out from Captain Daring’s with the frankfurter case only two days prior. It was a flamboyant little frankfurter case… how could he resist?
It didn’t take long before Captain Daring got back to the subject at hand: his frankfurter case. Edwin yawned. Relunctantly, Edwin invited him over, assuring him they’d find the frankfurter case. Captain Daring grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Edwin realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the frankfurter case and he had to do it recklessly. He figured that if Captain Daring took the elephant express, he had take at least four minutes before Captain Daring would get there. But if he took the banana rocket? Then Edwin would be barely screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Edwin was interrupted by eleven insensitive prickly panthers that were lured by his frankfurter case. Edwin yawned; ‘Not again’, he thought. Feeling stunned, he thoughtfully reached for his gerbil and aggressively poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent–the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the lemur-infested moor, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That’s when he heard the banana rocket rolling up; it was Captain Daring.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, Captain Daring was out of the banana rocket and went sassily jaunting toward Edwin the Talented Chimpanzee’s front door. Meanwhile inside, Edwin was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the frankfurter case into a box of live hand grenades and then slid the box behind his hippopotamus. Edwin was frustrated, but at least the frankfurter case was concealed. The doorbell rang.
‘Come in,’ Edwin surreptitiously purred. With a heroic push, Captain Daring opened the door. ‘Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish self-righteous ass in a rice rocket,’ he lied. ‘It’s fine,’ Edwin assured him. Captain Daring took a seat ridiculously close to where Edwin had hidden the frankfurter case. Edwin sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. ‘Uhh, can I get you anything?’ he blurted. But Captain Daring was distracted. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Edwin noticed a dimwitted look on Captain Daring’s face. Captain Daring slowly opened his mouth to speak.
‘…What’s that smell?’
Edwin the Talented Chimpanzee felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when Captain Daring asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the frankfurter case right by his oscillating fan (which was hanging above the grenade box). ‘Wh-what? I don’t smell anything..!’ A lie. An abrasive look started to form on Captain Daring’s face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. ‘Th-th-those are just my grandma’s live hand grenades from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh…dropped ‘em by here earlier’. Captain Daring nodded with false acknowledgement…then, before Edwin could react, Captain Daring aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The frankfurter case was plainly in view, resting peacefully on the pile of live hand grenades.
Captain Daring stared at Edwin for what what must’ve been eleven microseconds. In a predictably predictable turn of events, Edwin groped indiscriminately in Captain Daring’s direction, clearly desperate. Captain Daring grabbed the frankfurter case and bolted for the door. The door was locked. Edwin, seeing he now had the upper hand, let out a flamboyant chuckle. ‘If only you hadn’t been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Captain Daring,’ he rebuked. Edwin always had been a little dimwitted, so Captain Daring knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Edwin did something crazy, like… start chucking ninja stars at him or something. In yet another predictable turn of events, he gripped his frankfurter case tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the panes of glass.
Edwin looked on, blankly. ‘What the hell!? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.’ Silence from Captain Daring. ‘And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago…it never ends!’ Suddenly, he felt a tinge of concern for Captain Daring. ‘Oh. You ..okay?’ Still silence. Edwin walked over to the window and looked down. Captain Daring was gone.
Just yonder, Captain Daring was struggling to make his way through the imaginary desert behind Edwin the Talented Chimpanzee’s place. Captain Daring had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral prickly panthers suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the frankfurter case. One by one they latched on to Captain Daring. Already weakened from his injury, Captain Daring yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of prickly panthers running off with his frankfurter case.
But then an omnipotent being by the name of Q came down with his charismatic smile and restored Captain Daring’s frankfurter case. Feeling worried, Q smote the prickly panthers for their injustice. Then Q got in his scarlet, busted-out hatchback and whizzed away with the fortitude of half a million South American hissing sloths running from a misshapen pack of man-eating capybaras. Captain Daring skipped with joy when he saw this. His frankfurter case was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eleven minutes his favorite TV show, Gilligan’s Island, was going to come on (followed immediately by ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’). Captain Daring was giddy. And so, everyone except Edwin the Talented Chimpanzee and a few gun-toting 3-legged wallabies lived blissfully happy, forever after.